Someone Else’s Bratty Kid
Wet sand flung at our stucco. Mud tracked through our play room. A soccer ball (intentionallly) pulverizing my son’s lego creations. And an unmistakable defiance for the adult in charge.
So how do you tell parents their kid is a brat?
Turns out, you can’t. But I did find an internet article voicing the same question and addressing the very issue of how to tell parents their child is misbehaving, which is something I’m not very good at.
In fact, I’m terrible at it. I can count on one hand (barely) the number of times I’ve talked with a parent about such things, and she a friend, someone who approaches parenting the same way I do.
Kids are kids. All of them. If we start on that basic premise, breaking the bad news to parents should be easy. And it takes a village, right? Adults…parents, teachers, family, friends…should all be able to step in and guide children in not just right versus wrong, but help them figure out how to accomplish the former and not the latter. It’s important for kids need to learn that good behavior is important no matter where you are, or who you are with. It’s a social responsibility. And kids need to learn that society will call them out if and when it’s needed.
But even if you live in a small community, in a 1950’s-esque neighborhood as our family does, taking communal charge of raising of kids is a difficult task. It’s much easier to post a “KEEP OUT” sign in your yard when kids foray onto your property to chase a ball or cross to the sledding hill than to ring a doorbell and have a face-to-face with your next door neighbor.
And it’s only human to feel that way. We don’t want to upset anyone’s apple cart (although the not-so-subtle “keep out” signage was rather passive-aggressive) and cause tension. We don’t want to make any one feel like a bad parent. And it’s not exactly our place to discipline others’ kids. But what service do we do kids when we don’t help guide them, even if we aren’t their parents? And what message do we send our own children when we brush off wrong-doing by another child?
Feeling the social responsibility to “redirect” and acting on it are two very different things. And most of us need help taking that important leap between the two to approach parents whose child is misbehaving.
One source I found offered the single best advice on this topic: assume parents want the best for their child. Seems too obvious to have to be put into words, but when we fear confrontation for calling out someone else’s child, and the potential repercussions for doing so (neighborhood tensions, loss of friendship, etc.), it’s easy to just let the problem go. But if we ask ourselves, Would I as a parent want to know if my child has done something hurtful, dangerous, or has broken the rules? Of course we would. Assume the same about other parents and it makes the urge to call mentally call another’s child a “brat” much easier to sidestep and take the actual step toward solving the problem.
So what do we say instead? Fortunately, it’s not as hard as it seems. (For me, that isn’t saying much because I feel like a tattletale no matter what.) Just stick to the facts. Be direct and don’t apologize for being the bearer of bad news. Prep your comments ahead of time so you don’t forget anything important (or feel tempted to add any “hearsay”). Then:
Ring that doorbell.
I know, right?
An article on the website insteppc.com makes a great case for doing the dirty work in person. As convenient and ubiquitous as text messaging and email are, it’s easy for the facts and the tone of a written message to be misunderstood. We can “autocorrect” much more effectively in person and a face-to-face implies concern, sincerity and importance of the issue at hand. (But a phone call may work fine if you know the parent well.) Even if you see the parent in the pick-up lane after school, resist the urge to approach the parent. An “ambush” usually guarantees a defensive response and an unproductive, indiscreet conversation. If you can, call the parent and set up a time to meet in person, in a location without distraction.
Not everyone appreciates Dr. Laura, but she offers a fresh take on the exclusively parental pow-wow that often takes place when a child misbehaves: instead of a “parents only” meeting, include the child with her parents. Simply ask her, without judgement, her point-of-view on what happened. Give the child positive feedback on her explanation…say something to her like “good-to-know” and “that helps us understand better what happened today.” Kids will feel intimidated by a circle of adults around them, so it’s important to let them know you want their perspective to be heard, and this is a safe time to talk.
Kids don’t act out without a reason. And often times it’s the second child who gets caught (having twins taught me that one!). And from personal experience I know it’s so easy to react in the heat of a moment. But taking a few easy steps (and breaths beforehand), we grown-ups can be truly confident and comfortable raising that village.
