Letting Go: Parenting our Kids to Be Independent.

A couple years ago I made a startling discovery: my children would soon be finishing high school. They would be moving out into either the real world or stepping into the transitional setting of university. And with that sleep-suppressing realization came panic. Had I done enough to prepare my kids to be independent? For the first time in years, I went into cram-for-the-exam mode. Read on to see the five ways I’ve been Letting Go: Parenting our Kids to be Independent.

A Generational Difference

I grew up very different from my own children: I was a latch-key kid from the age of eight. Responsibilities came out of the woodwork:

Locking the front door when I left for school (and not lose the key!).

Starting a load of laundry when I got home.

A few years after that, I was cooking dinner on the stovetop. I remember Mom telling my cute junior high civics teacher how proud she was of me for doing this. Soooo embarrassing….

Mom may have been pleased with my budding independence at so young an age, but I wasn’t perfect. Not even close. My afternoon snacks often consisted of nothing more than marshmallows and chocolate chips, and occasionally I enjoyed a handful of cherry menthol-lyptus cough drops, despite not having a sore throat.

(Years later, I learned a friend of mine (also a latch-key only child) LOVED cherry cough drops, too. And another friend’s dog. The three of us shuould start a support group, “Home Alone and Throat Lozenge Addicts Anon.”)

My own children, by contrast, have always had a parent or grandparent present to send them off to school and to greet them after. Mainly that adult was me, and whenever it wasn’t, their nervousness was palpable. Even now, my teenagers prefer mine as the face to ignore upon arriving home from school.

And, full disclosure, they didn’t have after-school chores…I was home, so I took care of the household duties between my other commitments. My kids had it easy, too easy: they could focus on schoolwork and extracurricular activities without the extra responsibility.

Which is great, but…

It’s been studied: having Mom (or Dad) at home has a positive impact on kids…better performance in school, less stress, and fewer behavioral outbursts. Research supports that having a parent home enhances a child’s sense of security and stability.

But if Mom (or Dad) is home doing the laundry, cooking dinner, making the next day’s lunches…kids miss out on important life-skill practice, and learning the time management skills needed to balance those mundane responsibilities with school, work and play. But if you are like me, it’s easier to do the chores myself than to nag kids to do them.

Right?

Even though putting fresh sheets on my kids’ beds and folding their freshly line-dried clothes is loving and nurturing…doing all the chores for them is doing kids a disservice. Even before the epiphany that I was doing too much for my capable and competent children, I would cringe every time the tv showed a young coed arriving home and immediately handing off a basket of dirty laundry to his mom.

Cramming for the independence exam: first off, expect blowback

But you’re home all day, why can’t you do “it” for me?!?

All of a sudden kids, whose executive function abilities are still labeled “construction zone,” are experts in time management.

We know the truth of it, don’t we, at-home parents? We are a) rarely home, or b) rarely idle, or c) neither.

And our response to that deceptively valid question is easy. Our job as parents is to raise competent human beings and teaching our kids to do basic chores is one way we do that.

Skill #1: Laundry

Doing the laundry gets its own subheading: If kids are going to university, the one chore they will be responsible for is doing their own laundry.

My husband tells the story of one of his first attempts at laundry. He was a camp counselor and he and a buddy decide to wash all of their jeans in one load. You know, to be efficient and limit the pain of doing chores. So they packed all their denim to the tippy-top of the drum and dumped half a box of powder on top.

Let’s just say it didn’t go well.

While it’s good to live and learn, it’s even better to make a mistake with a little education behind it.

Basic laundry-doing skills go a long way, especially in this day and age of environmental consciousness, not to mention the complexity of today’s washers and dryers. Teach how to do the laundry, and help establish a routine so laundry is something they’ll be in the habit of doing regularly.

Skill #2: Basic cooking

I remember my mom insisting I learn to brown ground beef. Because mastering the “mince” (as it is called here in New Zealand) is like owning a quality pair of jeans (denim reference again…): it goes with everything. Tacos. Loose-meat sandwiches, or “maidrites” (as they are called in my home state of Iowa). Pasta. Plus the aroma of ground beef cooking with onion and garlic equals pure comfort.

Other basic cooking techniques kids should learn:

Scrambling eggs*/making omelets

Boiling water safely for pasta, veggies, etc.

Stir fry.

Smoothies.

Beans on toast, or “gross,” (as it is called by my kids)**

Basic food safety rules.

And teaching kids to make some of their favorite dishes is a great way to not only improve cooking skills but will spark interest in cooking in general. And it’s a bonding experience as well. Graduation gift idea: a cookbook with their favorite recipes.

Skill #3: Packing their own lunches.

While food-related, packing a lunch is not the same as cooking. It’s

~learning to limit waste by eating leftovers

~understanding advanced food safety (don’t pack an egg-salad sandwich if you don’t have access to a fridge or cooler), and

~exercising that budding executive function by remembering to make and take the lunch.

Skill #4: Cleaning the house.

Running a vacuum and dusting are pretty self-explanatory; but if kids never do it, they may never think to do it in their own space. So again, habit. Having kids help clean the house before they leave yours is a great place to teach and reinforce regular household upkeep.

Teach them the really yucky stuff, too, like cleaning the toilet. No one enjoys that work, but now they may think about cleaning their own bathroom. And they’ll know how to accomplish it. Whether they will actually DO it is another story. That we can’t control.

But at least we’ve taught them HOW.

Skill #5: Advocating for Themselves.

So, where are you from? asks our guide on a recent campus tour.

My son, wide-eyed, looks to me.

Then I defer to him, encouraging him to be the one to give the reply. After all, he’s the reason we are visiting the school.

It’s easy to do all the talking. We’ve been doing it for our kids since, well, before they left the womb, and for many years it’s been necessary.

But there comes a time when we need to bite our tongues and let our kids speak for themselves. Let them tell the doctor the reason for their visit, order their own meals at the restaurant,…and yes, make that phone call.

In this age of texting and email, phone calls are less often necessary, but learning to conduct a call is still an important skill. My daughter recently had an issue with her bank card, and the color drained from her face when I told her she needed to pick up the phone. She practiced beforehand (on me) what to ask and how, and I sat with her as she made the actual call. She solved the problem, and more importantly, my daughter learned she could take care of a stressful issue all on her own.

Let your kids do the talking. Good phone manners and even better verbal communication will always be an irreplaceable asset.

No doubt about it, teaching independence is a challenge.

It’s time-consuming. It takes patience. But it is so worth the effort. Teaching our kids life skills while still at home empowers them to be truly independent, to back up that intense desire they first have as toddlers and then again as teens teeming to leave their mark on the world. Will they balk at Basic Laundry 101? Yes. Will they roll their eyes at changing the toilet paper roll? Most definitely. Will they actually do the things we’ve taught when they are on their own? Maybe. But if we’re confident we’ve taught them well, it’s the best we can do. The rest is up to them.

*One of my favorite egg “hacks” is cooking them in the microwave, and I’ve taught my kids how to do it. Simply spray a small microwave-safe cup or coffee mug with cooking spray, then crack an egg into it and whisk with a splash of milk (and veggies, protein and seasoning to taste) until smooth. Microwave on high at 15 to 30-second increments, stirring between each, until cooked through. And voila. Easy meal, easy clean up.

**I’m slow to criticize this classically English comfort food. For one, it’s got good protein. Second, it’s toast…the comfort food of choice for coeds in New Zealand. Third, it’s not vegemite.